the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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