Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
