I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
