I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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