Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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