She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
