Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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