I faked an abortion last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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