if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
