WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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