Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
