Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
