There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
