Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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