Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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