Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
