Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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