you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My ATM looks so different sober.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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