i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
