I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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