I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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