i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
