You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
