that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
