Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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