now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
