Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
