I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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