I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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