i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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