If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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