well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
