I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
