It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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