Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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