I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
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I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
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We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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