When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
