Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
How's work?
Spinning.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
