She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
