i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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