I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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