Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it hurts more in the daytime
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
