Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
