Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
