Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
