I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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