god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
