My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.