my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.