I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.