The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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