for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
