I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
