You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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