it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
