I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
