All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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