it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
