On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
